I have often been described as someone who is sensitive. I get a lot of advice when I try to explain why things upset me that I should just "get over it" or "move on" or "let it go." And while sometimes that is the best course, sometimes I just need to be heard. It took me years to turn the One that always listens. And now I find great comfort in that He knows everything about me and that I don't really have to explain myself to Him. I just want to thank Jesus for "getting me" even when no one else does. He knows what makes me tick, what breaks my heart and how to make it better. I would be nothing without Him.
No One Else
My world is closing in, on the inside
But I'm not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I'm broken, I'm broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken, of the broken
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms again
I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling, I'm falling
I'm falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying, Lord I am flying
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms again
And I have come to you in search of faith
'Cause I can't see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I'll leave it in Your hands
When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Oh, how you hold me in Your arms
I know that You'll hold me in Your arms again.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Addiction #2
My other addicition that is wasting enormous amounts of time is my Nintendo DS. I fell hook, line and sinker for the after Thanksgiving deal of the ice blue DS in the cute little blue patent leather case and accompanying Brain Age game.
I fell prey to the DS long ago when my friend Angie's daughter, Danielle, tested my brain age and was visibly impressed that I had scored a 32 when the rest of the players were in their late 60s.
I often celbrate my "nerdom" and the whole taking math tests, etc was too hard to resist.
The kids in my children's church LOVE the fact that I have a DS and often draw me into conversations that start with "Miss Diann, you should try this game." So far they have me hooked on Brain Age, Cooking Mama and Cake Mania. And I may have to draw the line there.
Suddenly now it seems clear to me why Jaci B's room is still not finished.
I fell prey to the DS long ago when my friend Angie's daughter, Danielle, tested my brain age and was visibly impressed that I had scored a 32 when the rest of the players were in their late 60s.
I often celbrate my "nerdom" and the whole taking math tests, etc was too hard to resist.
The kids in my children's church LOVE the fact that I have a DS and often draw me into conversations that start with "Miss Diann, you should try this game." So far they have me hooked on Brain Age, Cooking Mama and Cake Mania. And I may have to draw the line there.
Suddenly now it seems clear to me why Jaci B's room is still not finished.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
New addiction #1
Recently I have been struggling with two new addictions. I am not proud of it, but the truth must be told.
My first addiction is in the form of Facebook. WOW! This may be the biggest of all timewasters of all time. A title previously held by my ex-boyfriend.
A few weeks ago, I noticed that my friend Aimee was developing a strange habit. Almost every night on the phone she would mumble "So and So wants to be my friend." or announce "Yes, I will be your friend." I would of course ask her what she was doing and she would then explain that it was all related to Facebook. At first I dismissed the idea thinking that I am too old for Facebook...that was my canned response for people asking why I didn't have a My Space page. But then every night she would tell me how she "just didn't get Facebook."
Since I work in the software development field and often assisting people with the applications we develop falls to me, I decided to help Aimee out the best way I knew how. I signed up. At first I was lost too. In fact looking at the column that said "You have 1 friend" was really depressing. That first night I went to bed haunted by that statement and decided the first thing the next morning, I would delete my account and let Aimee figure it out. But when I logged on the following morning I had six friend requests...six people wanted to be my friend! I was at once horrified and delighted.
Horrified that I cared that there were people who "wanted to be friends with me" since I should be way past that stage in life. I am after all a successful, fulfilled confident woman.
Delighted that this strange universe had brought some of my long-lost sorority sisters back into view.
The first morning was so much fun that I lost track of time and was late for work. I should have known that wasn't a good sign. But I continued and since then have renewed "friendships" with several old coworkers, a fellow flutist from band, the captain of the twirling team I was on when I was 12, a few of my classmates from leadership class and not to mention a few people I had to look through old yearbooks to determine if I did indeed "know" them.
All in all it has been a lot of fun. Have I helped Aimee figure it out? Not really we just click on a whole bunch of buttons and hope for the best. But maybe some day I figure out
how accepting a snapdragon plant helps me save the rain forest, how flair can make the day so much brighter, how to finally answer all the times I have been tagged in Notes and how this strange cyber community can make me feel connected to my 59 friends and counting...
Stay tuned tomorrow for my other newest addiction.
My first addiction is in the form of Facebook. WOW! This may be the biggest of all timewasters of all time. A title previously held by my ex-boyfriend.
A few weeks ago, I noticed that my friend Aimee was developing a strange habit. Almost every night on the phone she would mumble "So and So wants to be my friend." or announce "Yes, I will be your friend." I would of course ask her what she was doing and she would then explain that it was all related to Facebook. At first I dismissed the idea thinking that I am too old for Facebook...that was my canned response for people asking why I didn't have a My Space page. But then every night she would tell me how she "just didn't get Facebook."
Since I work in the software development field and often assisting people with the applications we develop falls to me, I decided to help Aimee out the best way I knew how. I signed up. At first I was lost too. In fact looking at the column that said "You have 1 friend" was really depressing. That first night I went to bed haunted by that statement and decided the first thing the next morning, I would delete my account and let Aimee figure it out. But when I logged on the following morning I had six friend requests...six people wanted to be my friend! I was at once horrified and delighted.
Horrified that I cared that there were people who "wanted to be friends with me" since I should be way past that stage in life. I am after all a successful, fulfilled confident woman.
Delighted that this strange universe had brought some of my long-lost sorority sisters back into view.
The first morning was so much fun that I lost track of time and was late for work. I should have known that wasn't a good sign. But I continued and since then have renewed "friendships" with several old coworkers, a fellow flutist from band, the captain of the twirling team I was on when I was 12, a few of my classmates from leadership class and not to mention a few people I had to look through old yearbooks to determine if I did indeed "know" them.
All in all it has been a lot of fun. Have I helped Aimee figure it out? Not really we just click on a whole bunch of buttons and hope for the best. But maybe some day I figure out
how accepting a snapdragon plant helps me save the rain forest, how flair can make the day so much brighter, how to finally answer all the times I have been tagged in Notes and how this strange cyber community can make me feel connected to my 59 friends and counting...
Stay tuned tomorrow for my other newest addiction.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Dearest Jaci B.
The countdown begins in earnest today darling girl! I can't believe it. One month from today is our court date. One month from today I could wake up to the news that I am "officially" your new mom!
There have been moments when this process has felt like it was moving so slow that the realization of my dream would never happen and yet...it now feels so close! While my road has been paved with excitement, preparation and potential, I know the journey for you has been painful, little one. You have lost more in your short life than I can let myself imagine. People often tell me that you are going to be one lucky little girl to be my daughter, but I know that isn't true. You aren't lucky...you are going to lose so much when you have to leave Ethiopia and I promise to try to never lose sight of that.
You go ahead and grieve. I will hold your hand and be there for you as the tears fall. We will walk this path together and I will help you to continue to weave the tapestry of your life that began long ago.
When your scared I will try to understand because I have been frightened too. I don't have all the answers. But our heavenly Father does and He will hold us together as we form a family.
I am so excited to get to know the stunning girl behind the photos that I cherish. (I carry them with me in an album almost everywhere I go!)
I see your bright smile and I can't wait until I can hear you sleeping in the room next to mine. I can't wait to hear you sing, learn what your favorite color is, have you sitting beside me in church, see your face on Christmas morning...the list goes on and on. But you take your time because I make this pledge to you...I promise to be patient with you and to love you unconditionally.
There have been moments when this process has felt like it was moving so slow that the realization of my dream would never happen and yet...it now feels so close! While my road has been paved with excitement, preparation and potential, I know the journey for you has been painful, little one. You have lost more in your short life than I can let myself imagine. People often tell me that you are going to be one lucky little girl to be my daughter, but I know that isn't true. You aren't lucky...you are going to lose so much when you have to leave Ethiopia and I promise to try to never lose sight of that.
You go ahead and grieve. I will hold your hand and be there for you as the tears fall. We will walk this path together and I will help you to continue to weave the tapestry of your life that began long ago.
When your scared I will try to understand because I have been frightened too. I don't have all the answers. But our heavenly Father does and He will hold us together as we form a family.
I am so excited to get to know the stunning girl behind the photos that I cherish. (I carry them with me in an album almost everywhere I go!)
I see your bright smile and I can't wait until I can hear you sleeping in the room next to mine. I can't wait to hear you sing, learn what your favorite color is, have you sitting beside me in church, see your face on Christmas morning...the list goes on and on. But you take your time because I make this pledge to you...I promise to be patient with you and to love you unconditionally.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Saturday Song
The other day I read Aimee's blog (http://www.offwego-brynly.blogspot.com/) and watched the heartbreaking video about Sam and Esther. I openly cried as I watched it. At times I feel so small and like the actions that I take are so insignificant. But as I read Aimee's words "It only strengthens my resolve to work harder, even if the difference that can be made is small. Small is relative." It hit me...so many times we are paralyzed because we think the change or the action that we can do is small, insignificant, un-noteworthy, etc. But in doing nothing we miss the incredible blessing that we can be by doing something "small." I am once again that there are no small actions when it comes to helping out our fellow man, whether that be your neighbor, an elderly stranger or a child halfway across the world. Please..."Go Light Your World"
Go Light Your World
There is a candle in every soul.
Some brightly burning some dark and cold
There is a spirit, who brings a fire
Ignites a candle, and makes his own.
Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn,
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, go light your world.
Take your candle; go light your world
Frustrated brother, see how he’s tried to
Light his own candle, some other way
See now your sister, she’s been robbed and lied to
Still holds a candle without a flame.
Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn,
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, go light your world.
Take your candle; go light your world
We are a family, who hearts are blazing
So let’s raise our candles light up the sky
Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus,
Make us a beacon in darkest time
Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn,
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, go light your world.
Take your candle; go light your world
Go Light Your World
There is a candle in every soul.
Some brightly burning some dark and cold
There is a spirit, who brings a fire
Ignites a candle, and makes his own.
Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn,
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, go light your world.
Take your candle; go light your world
Frustrated brother, see how he’s tried to
Light his own candle, some other way
See now your sister, she’s been robbed and lied to
Still holds a candle without a flame.
Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn,
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, go light your world.
Take your candle; go light your world
We are a family, who hearts are blazing
So let’s raise our candles light up the sky
Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus,
Make us a beacon in darkest time
Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn,
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, go light your world.
Take your candle; go light your world
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sick and Snow
Last week I decided to take advantage of a long weekend and slip home to see my family. While I was there I came down with a horrendous bug that has rendered me useless for the last couple of days. If that wasn't bad enough Mother Nature deposited too much of my least-favorite percipitation...snow. So I extended my stay well past MLK day and just returned today.
But I had several opportunities for some fun before the bug hit me!
I was able to meet up with Deanne for a yummy lunch on Sunday. It was great to finally meet this ball of energy in person! It's funny to me how many new people my adoption journey has led me to. Aimee and Brynly were able to join us, for a great Italian feast which ended with a chocolate lava cake! Now that was both fun and delicious!
I was also able to spend some time with my dear friends Jonathan and Leisa as well as their boys Jacob and Caleb. Jacob recently mailed me some artwork that was a picture of me and Jacinda coming home from Ethiopia. He is 9 and this was a big step, since he has spent most of my adoption process explaining to his mom that he can't understand why I am not adopting a boy. (Maybe next time, Jacob!)
My sister-in-law Erin and I spent a lot of time bonding this week. She is a lot of fun to be around! Who knew the little sister I had always dreamed of would come from my "pesky" little brother? And of course there was tons of time spent with Miss Leah Faith! I never ceased to be amazed at how this tiny little ball of energy commands a room. Our family has truly been blessed!
And the last thing I discovered is that if you are going to get sick...it's really nice to be with your mom even when you are 37 years old!
But I had several opportunities for some fun before the bug hit me!
I was able to meet up with Deanne for a yummy lunch on Sunday. It was great to finally meet this ball of energy in person! It's funny to me how many new people my adoption journey has led me to. Aimee and Brynly were able to join us, for a great Italian feast which ended with a chocolate lava cake! Now that was both fun and delicious!
I was also able to spend some time with my dear friends Jonathan and Leisa as well as their boys Jacob and Caleb. Jacob recently mailed me some artwork that was a picture of me and Jacinda coming home from Ethiopia. He is 9 and this was a big step, since he has spent most of my adoption process explaining to his mom that he can't understand why I am not adopting a boy. (Maybe next time, Jacob!)
My sister-in-law Erin and I spent a lot of time bonding this week. She is a lot of fun to be around! Who knew the little sister I had always dreamed of would come from my "pesky" little brother? And of course there was tons of time spent with Miss Leah Faith! I never ceased to be amazed at how this tiny little ball of energy commands a room. Our family has truly been blessed!
And the last thing I discovered is that if you are going to get sick...it's really nice to be with your mom even when you are 37 years old!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Saturday Song
This is a song I have always liked, but a few weeks ago I heard it and it just spoke to me, but not in terms of a romantic love, but the love that is growing for my daughter. Here is this week's Saturday Song.
Taking You Home
I had a good life
Before you came
I had my friends and my freedom
I had my name
Still there was sorrow and emptiness
til you made me glad
Oh, in this love I found strength
I never knew I had
And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
Taking you home
There were days, lonely days
When the world
wouldn't throw me a crumb, no no
But I kept on believing
That this day would come
And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known no, no baby
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
Taking you home
I'm taking you home
Where we can be with the ones who really care
Home, where we can grow together
Keep you in, my heart forever
Oh and this love
Is like nothing I have ever known, oh no no baby
Take my hand love
I'm taking you home
Taking You Home
I had a good life
Before you came
I had my friends and my freedom
I had my name
Still there was sorrow and emptiness
til you made me glad
Oh, in this love I found strength
I never knew I had
And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
Taking you home
There were days, lonely days
When the world
wouldn't throw me a crumb, no no
But I kept on believing
That this day would come
And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known no, no baby
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
Taking you home
I'm taking you home
Where we can be with the ones who really care
Home, where we can grow together
Keep you in, my heart forever
Oh and this love
Is like nothing I have ever known, oh no no baby
Take my hand love
I'm taking you home
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Saturday Song
Music has always spoken to me and I often find great strength, solace and inspiration in not only listening and singing songs, but really reading the lyrics and seeing the meaning past the melody. So I decided to share some of my favorite songs that have touched my heart and given words to the emotions that so often flood through my life.
The first song is a new favorite of mine. When I feel like I am beaten down and starting to lose my way. I find incredible stength in this song by Natalie Grant. It makes me want to dig my heels in and persevere and that's a very good thing!
I WILL NOT BE MOVED
I have been a wayward child, I have acted out,
I have questioned sovereignty, and had my share of doubts,
And though sometimes, my prayers feel like their bouncing off the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go, and is the reason why
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
Bitterness has plagued my heart, many times before
My life has been a broken glass, and I have kept the score
of all my shattered dreams, and though it seemed,
that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see, it's grace I'm standing on.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
And chaos in my life, has been a badge I've worn,
and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
The first song is a new favorite of mine. When I feel like I am beaten down and starting to lose my way. I find incredible stength in this song by Natalie Grant. It makes me want to dig my heels in and persevere and that's a very good thing!
I WILL NOT BE MOVED
I have been a wayward child, I have acted out,
I have questioned sovereignty, and had my share of doubts,
And though sometimes, my prayers feel like their bouncing off the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go, and is the reason why
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
Bitterness has plagued my heart, many times before
My life has been a broken glass, and I have kept the score
of all my shattered dreams, and though it seemed,
that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see, it's grace I'm standing on.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
And chaos in my life, has been a badge I've worn,
and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Weekend Warrior
That is what I plan to be this weekend. I want to get Jaci B.'s room cleaned out and start getting it ready. OK I really have started, but with the holidays, her room became the catch all place where things got shoved, so they were out of sight. I have had some difficulties in getting her room done...I thought maybe a referral would motivate me, but that came on November 14th and the room looks worse now than it did. I thought about putting off the room until the elusive court date came my way, but I think I better jump right in. There's no telling how long this will take. LOL!
Actually my plan is to get up early on Saturday. I am working on a timed schedule that will force me not to lose myself in a single task for too long. I need to pack away three book shelves of books because they no longer will hold all of my favorite pieces of literature, but brightly colored bins full of toys and such. And that's just the start of the project. Her room used to serve as my dressing room and all over storage area. I have made some progress by getting rid of 5 bags of clothes, although honestly I could part with a few more. (I know it is indulgent, but I have been a hard-working single gal for almost 20 years, shoes, clothes and purses became my vice). Of course that has changed over the past two years and now with all of the downsizing my closet is beginning to look a little more normal.
And my big reward for a job well done? It will be an evening out with the girls. And if I don't get it all completed...I need to be honest, I will go anyway!
Happy Friday to all!
Now the shoes, that is another weekend's project.
Actually my plan is to get up early on Saturday. I am working on a timed schedule that will force me not to lose myself in a single task for too long. I need to pack away three book shelves of books because they no longer will hold all of my favorite pieces of literature, but brightly colored bins full of toys and such. And that's just the start of the project. Her room used to serve as my dressing room and all over storage area. I have made some progress by getting rid of 5 bags of clothes, although honestly I could part with a few more. (I know it is indulgent, but I have been a hard-working single gal for almost 20 years, shoes, clothes and purses became my vice). Of course that has changed over the past two years and now with all of the downsizing my closet is beginning to look a little more normal.
And my big reward for a job well done? It will be an evening out with the girls. And if I don't get it all completed...I need to be honest, I will go anyway!
Happy Friday to all!
Now the shoes, that is another weekend's project.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Encouragement
Things are not going well for me right now. There are several issues going on that I am having a hard time seeing God in. Last spring I sang at a women's conference and there was a little quote that was passed out. I couldn't have imagined how much I would need that almost a year later, but God did. In fact, he even reminded me of it last Sunday.
So this one is for me and for anyone else who may need some encouragement.
There is nothing
No Circumstance
No Trouble
No Testing
That can touch me until first all of it has gone past Christ, right through to me. If it has come this far, it has come with a GREAT PURPOSE, which I may not fully understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will case me to fret, for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is.
Now I need to put this into action. I am heading to church to lift my eyes and my voice in praise to Him.
Enough said.
So this one is for me and for anyone else who may need some encouragement.
There is nothing
No Circumstance
No Trouble
No Testing
That can touch me until first all of it has gone past Christ, right through to me. If it has come this far, it has come with a GREAT PURPOSE, which I may not fully understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will case me to fret, for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is.
Now I need to put this into action. I am heading to church to lift my eyes and my voice in praise to Him.
Enough said.
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