Looking Back

One year ago today I received news that Jacinda and I had not passed court. It was a crushing blow to what had already been at that point a tumultuous journey. I admit it I was broken one year ago today.
Yesterday I took some time to read back over those posts and the comments and I was immediately taken back to that time. I still remember people telling me that when I brought her home all of those feelings would be a distant memory. And I honestly have to say...they were wrong.
I am no longer bitter about being misled on so many occasions by my agency, but I can honestly say I am a more empathetic person because of it. As it was/is with every step in this adoption process, it changed me.
So I wanted to take some time to document some of the changes...those I expected and those that came as s surprise to me. Becoming a mother forever altered the fabric of my life. It was the experience I had waited for, dreamt about and yet couldn't imagine actually ever experiencing.
I can honestly say motherhood has brought me the sweetest moments of my life. I can honestly say that loving this child was/is easy for me. And I can honestly say that as a whole it has been easier than I expected it to be.
Jacinda immediately became my focus. She is my first consideration in every decision. I thought that would be a process but aside from the first morning we were together and I woke up and forgot I had a kid...there haven't been any moments since then and to be honest that one was really funny!
Have there been sacrifices? Oh yes, two of which I never dreamed I would make. I mean I totally uprooted us and moved from the DC metro area to a small, rural WV town three hours away, so Jacinda could feel connected and know what it is like to be part of a family. I don't regret that decision for a moment...it was best for us and had made both of our lives so much richer. I honestly had forgotten how wonderful it is to have aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings and etc. as part of your everyday life. I spent 14 years away from family and I will be forever grateful for being able to come home again.
Another sacrifice was like a rude slap in the face that I still don't understand. My journey to motherhood brought out mother-bear tendencies in me that I never knew I had. Unfortunately I lost a dear friend because I was protecting Jacinda from an unfair social situation. I can only guess my dear friend wasn't really able to understand the instant bond I felt with my child because of her reaction. And while I miss her desperately I would do it again to make sure my daughter felt loved and protected by her mother.
Motherhood has given me an empowerment that I have never known. I have often been a people pleaser and while I admit it is nice for people to support my decisions and even be impressed with my parenting skills...if they disagree it doesn't change my focus. Not everyone agrees with my discipline techniques...not everyone thinks my good choice/bad choice discussions are effective tools, but they work for me and they work for Jacinda, so I deem them successful.
We have been a family for nine months now, which is so hard for me to believe. When Jacinda first came home the Ethiopian pout was a frequent visitor. She would be mad for hours sometimes a day and now, we are down to minutes. And I am proud of that fact.
Do I fail and need a timeout for myself sometimes? Does she fail and need to know there are consequences for her actions? Yep, but those times are further and further apart.
I have been a self-proclaimed workaholic for many years. I set out in my career with something to prove. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be respected. I wanted to be a career woman. And I was for many years. But the long-nights of thinking about work and issues that need to be resolved no longer dominates my life. In fact, usually all of that is gone as soon as I open my front door and see my beautiful girl barrelling toward me yelling MOMMY!!!
So one year after news that broke my heart...I am happy to report we are together, loving life, loving each other and continuing on this amazing journey!

Sweet words

I know I have mentioned it before, but the way Jacinda picked up English continues to amaze me. She is probably really close to being conversationally fluent. She understands jokes, exaggerations and many of the mommy-code words I try to use when I don't really want her to know what I am discussing. This in particular makes her very proud. She will exclaim "I know what you're talking about." and 9 out of 10 times she is right!


As the progression continues and before so many of the adorable things she says disappears forever I want to remember a few of my favorites like:

Sear- ree- yellow for cereal


My tooth is loosed = a losse tooth


Pincess (emphasis on the PIN) = princess



But there is another sweet language in our house and that centers around her retention of Amharic. While I tried to keep as much as I could in our every day life, Jacinda Bizunesh wanted no part of it. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. I pushed and I prodded. Mistakenly I made this about me, thinking that if my Ehtiopian child loses her language entirely that somehow I had failed. Yet again my daughter reminded me it wasn't about me. How? It happened the day when I was prodding her to use some Amharic phrases when she looked at me and asked "Are you mad that I don't know Amharic anymore?"

It was a punch in the gut!

And it hit me that she had really convinced herself that she does not understand a single word or phrase. So I did what I could and let it go until about a month ago when I picked up the Children's Amharic phrase book I bought months before she came home. I started reading the alphabet from it and Jacinda looked at me with wide-eyed wonder and asked "How do you know that?" I explained to her it was important to me to know her language and she seemed impressed.

In that moment the door opened and the Amharic phrases and words began to re-enter her conversation and are frequent in our home. Even more important the little girl who seemed so quick to disown Ethiopia and all her treasures has now redicovered pride in her country!

MELKAM GENA, BIZUNESH!

Dearest Daughter,
Today is Christmas in Ethiopia. And yet when you woke up, your most exciting moment of the morning came when you discovered the tooth fairy did indeed leave you $5 for your second tooth lost in America.
How life has changed for you, chicken. When I explained to you that we were going to have a Gena celebration, you looked at me and told said, "I don't know Gena." In a moment I was saddened and alarmed.
From the beginning it seemed that you have separated yourself from Ethiopia. You seem surprised to hear me say that I love Ethiopia...how could I not?? She gave me you! The first time I took you to an Ethiopian restaurant just mere weeks after you came to America and the owner spoke to you in Amharic, you turned your head and pretended not to understand him. So much of your life in Ethiopia is a mystery to me. I long for you to share and to talk about those times, so your history is never lost in the sea of memories of youth. But you seem to have locked those memories and experiences away.
When you saw B & B's hair braided last weekend, you whispered to me adamantly and again almost pleading..."I don't want braids. I don't want braids." And darling girl, that is up to you. But I want you to know it is OK to love your first home, your first family and your first memories. Hold on to them, cherish them, they are yours and I want you to be proud of them.
Our friend, Emebet said so many children completely turn their backs on Ethiopia when they arrive in the US. I don't want you to have negative feelings about your life before me. That is not necessary for me to be your mommy.
I will NEVER stop trying to get you to be proud of your heritage as I have done since your arrival. And finally after seven months I am starting to see glimmers and flashes of changes coming and it thrills my soul!
I know you will be proud to present your teacher the pendant we bought before we left Ethiopia as her Christmas present and how appropriate is it that you were able to give it to her on Gena? A fact I didn't even remember until I started writing this post!
When you asked me on Saturday after Emebet was talking to you if I was mad that you didn't know any Amharic anymore, it almost made me cry. It was my pleasure to pull out my little cheat sheet and remind you of the alphabet and convince you that YOU STILL REMEMBER and that is OK TO REMEMBER Amharic! And how it thrills my soul that you want to review our little book every night before bed!
I love how interested you were when I pulled out the nativity scene I bought for us in Addis when I started decorating for Christmas last month. I know getting it out and setting it up each year will be a very special time for both of us!
Bizunesh, it's true that your name has changed, but you did not lose who you were or are, we simply added to it! And so today on your first Gena in America, I want you to know that I pledge to always do everything within my power to keep Ethiopia alive in you!

What happens when Birkely gets your camera!

My BFF's eldest daughter, Birkely, recently monopolized my camera at her sister's third birthday party. The results are hysterical...in my opinion! It's great to sometimes pause and see life through the eyes of a 7 year old!

Happy 2010!!!

My BFF Aimee and I have celebrated New Year's together for the past 15 years. She usually made the 3 1/2 hour trek to my house and we would spend the last few days of the year hanging out.

When we were younger we tried to make NYE an exciting event. We don't drink, so there was never any of that. We tried having other people over, but somehow they just didn't mesh with our NYE style. We tried attending the community's First Night celebration (the first and only year they ever had it), but we were frozen solid by the time 8 p.m. rolled around and we headed back to my apartment. We tried attending a Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre event, but were split up as we arrived. So I fained sickness and we left before dessert was served. We even tried traveling. We once spent it in Bethlehem PA with plans to head into New York for New Year's Day, but the weather was so awful we spent the evening in our hotel room and headed back to my apartment the next morning. After all of these attempts to make it special, we resigned ourselves to no hoopla. Usually dinner out, followed by watching a movie or playing a game until the clock struck midnight and have loved New Year's since.

When I moved closer and we added a couple more children to the equation this year, we considered not carrying on the holiday tradition, but I am so very glad that we did. Ringing in 2010 was probably our most low key year...I made frozen pizzas, provided party hats for the girls, we watched High School Musical, played the Wii and the kids were in bed by 9:30. Aimee and I watched a true crime documentary (which my brother thought was truly disturbing), at 11:54 p.m. we turned the TV to see the ball drop, made fun of some of the songs and performances and went to bed.

It was truly a great New Year!