The Blessing Jar

Way back in my college sorority days we Kappa Deltas had something called a Wish Ribbon. Wish Ribbons came into play during the last party of rush called a Preference Party or Pref for short because it was right before rushees made their decision on which house to join. Before the party sisters tied a green or white ribbon on their finger and "wished" for the new sister(s) they were hoping would join the group. Then we were each assigned girls to "pref" during the party. I was an excellent "pref-er," and can still remember the speech I gave the girls I was matched with.
It went something like this...."Tonight before you arrived one of my sisters tied this ribbon on my finger and I made a wish. Now as I tie this ribbon on your finger, I want you to make a wish. I only hope that yours is the same as mine." Then I tied the ribbon, hugged the girl and whispered..."My wish was for you to be my sister."
A little emotionally manipulative? A lie? Never for me, which I guess is why I loved the tradition so much. I actually had forgotten all about it until a couple weeks ago. I don't know what prompted me to remember the tradition so vividly since I haven't even thought of it in almost two decades. But when it did, inspiration struck and I thought of a way to incorporate it in my current life. (No - I am not starting a sorority so don't start looking for your pref invites to arrive in your inbox!)
I decided that there were many friends that I had wishes for, hopes for and prayers for that I never share with them. As a society - I think we are lax in telling people how we feel about them. I was never that type of person, but I have become one. I don't tell people how important they are to me because I think it makes me seem needy. I don't tell my friends that I love them nearly enough because I am afraid they will think I am trying to emotionally manipulate them. I stifle my enthusiasm about being with those I love to be with for fear of rejection. But by doing that I have stifled a big part of me and I am done with that!
Yesterday morning I explained to Jacinda that in 2012 we are going to pick at least 12 people, non-immediate family members who we love dearly, who are important members of our lives and we are going to let them know how much they mean to us this year!
We are now in the process of selecting our people and putting their names in a jar on pretty paper - the jar is on the bathroom vanity right now because that is a place where we spend time every single day.
The plan is to select names out of there, pray for the person, send them love and maybe do a few nice things for them throughout the year.
Our hope, or our wish - if you will, is that throughout the year these 12 individuals/families will feel as loved and as cherished as they are!

Happy New Year (a.k.a. Sooo long...no blog)

I know that it has been forever but in my defense it is not that I haven't tried. I mean, after all there are 15 started posts in draft form waiting to be completed in the post cue. I am hoping to get them finished up or deleted before 2012 rolls into town on Sunday. Wish me luck...I know.
I guess as the year winds down, it is time for some reflection and believe me there is a lot to reflect on this year. It was a year of loss, a year of gain and a year of having things returned that I thought were long gone.

Loss:the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had
This year I lost weight. The world, our world, lost a great man - my BFF's father and that spurred the second loss, losing touch with my best friend. While the first loss listed is one of accomplishment that I hope to pick up and continue in 2012, the other two are steeped in unspeakable heartbreak. One is unfair, permanent and tragic, the other loss is one that time will heal and a connection will be remade with patience, understanding and a promise to never give up...a promise that I am renewing for 2012.

Gain:to acquire as an increase or addition
A year of gain...I gained a sense of empowerment...a renewed sense of who I am and what I want and a commitment to be honest...to tell people how I feel...to stop trying to please everyone all the time and I gained the freedom to stand up for myself even more.
I gained a new friendship that has quickly moved beyond friendship to cross the lines of family with my friend Lori. Two years after the relocation she became the stabilizing force I needed to ground me in my new life. She makes me miss Maryland a lot less nowadays. She loves my daughter like an aunt and is truly the biggest blessing of the year. I don't know how I went 40 years without this friendship, but I am so blessed to know I will have it for the next 40!
The most shocking gain of 2012 happened near the close of the year when romance came calling. While the relationship is still brand new, it is most definitely a gain to be appreciated as a woman, and not just a friend, mother, sister, daughter, coworker...my perspective has changed a bit. I am learning what it means to feel beautiful, cherished and desirable for the first time in my life. I have no big plans for this romance, but I am indeed enjoying this new exploration of a side of Diann I didn't think existed even though some days I am scared to death.

Return: to put, bring, take, give, or send back to the original place, position
2012 saw the return of two friendships: Heather (my Sister Woman) and Jen (my Mossy). Both friendships have such special places in my heart - that were vacant during their absences. Heather is a sister of my heart. I have missed her quiet ways and nurturing more than I would have ever admitted. My friendship Jen is something I can't explain. After nearly a decade and a half of a break - when we reconnected this September it was like no time had passed, but not in a let's-be-who-we-were-back-then kind of way, more in a let's discover the women we have become. And we have...so much about her has changed and yet so much of what I remember is still there. And the same can be said for me. Our friendship isn't something everybody "gets" - but I don't care. It's the laughter, the acceptance and the "je ne sais quoi" that somehow equals a charmed camaraderie that I am eternally grateful for.
The other return came in the form of my desire to write...really write. I have been toying with and dabbling in some writing exercises and am now ready to pick up those novels that have long laid dormant and pick up the keyboard again. Who knows maybe 2012 will see one of them finally come to completion...wouldn't that be something?

And now for the plans...the same plans as every year, I guess. I want to be a better Christian, mom, daughter, aunt, sister, cousin, niece, friend, blogger, exerciser, reader, laugh-er, employee, leader and so many more things. When it comes right down to it like most everyone...I just want to be a better me.

Happy New Year everyone!

I Love how she loves me

My daughter loves me.
She tells me she loves me.
She shows me she loves me.
She tells her teachers she loves me.
She tells her friends how much she loves me.
I am one, extremely blessed mom.
I only hope that every single day she knows and feels how much I love her!

Broken Hearts

Jacinda has this poster hanging on her bedroom door. The other night we were giving her room a good cleaning before the school year really gets going. I was folding some sweaters and she was dawdling and started reading the poster out loud. When she got to the line "Sometimes I have a broken heart" she stopped and looked at me and said. "You know mommy, sometimes I do have a broken heart and no one knows." Her statement stopped me in my tracks and took my breath away. I went over and hugged her and told her that I knew.
"Really?" she asked. And I said "Why do you have a broken heart sometimes?"
She shrugged and buried her head in my shoulder the way she always does when she is missing her first mommy and the rest of her family in Ethiopia.
I whispered that it was OK to miss her first mommy and talk about her family in Ethiopia, the same way I have a hundred times in the last two years. She hugged me very tightly and then promptly changed the subject.
Many times I have been almost jealous of other moms who kids openly share their stories from Ethiopia. Jacinda isn't like that, but i am coming to realize she does remember, but she holds those memories so close to her heart that she keeps them only for herself. And after two and a half years I think I am ready to let her hold on to them. Her Ethiopian family and memories, whether shared with me or not, do not change the wonderful relationship she has with me nor the loving memories she cherishes so much.
The only thing I need to do is to never allow myself to forget that sometimes my baby does indeed have a broken heart and to give her the freedom to grieve in the privacy of her own soul as she has chosen to do.

There's nothing helpless about my devotion

I guess this blog post is late in coming , or maybe I am just late in me finding my voice.
I am a devoted follower of Christ and I have been raised in the church all my life. I have loved Jesus from a very young age. Church was a big part of my upbringing and I spent a lot of time there. A lot of my social interaction occurred at church functions and my closest friends were members of the same congregation.
I was raised in what I lovingly refer to as a a non-denominational church with pentecostal tendencies. We were preached to and prayed for every Sunday. Services ended with altar calls and when I was feeling particularly guilty about some mis-step I had made I would excuse myself and hide in the bathroom until it seemed like altar time was wrapping up. In my later teen years I struggled to make the right choices in some situations, but I never walked away from what I believed in.
My first year in college, we had a religion professor who really didn't seem to believe in God, at least not the God I was taught about in Sunday School. He asked me questions that I could not handle and I felt like a failure who could not defend her faith. I had friends that were atheists and agnostics and those that had a real bone to pick with religious hypocrites. It was the first time in my sheltered life that I had ever been referred to as ignorant because of my beliefs. It was at that time as a young adult that I began to question my beliefs. Not because I doubted God, but because I wanted to test out if I was a blind follower or a true believer.
There were a few rough years where I made some mistakes, but through it all I never truly walked away. In my late 20's I made the decision to finally fully commit to the One who has done so much for me and I have never looked back.
I don't often feel the need to defend my faith, but clearly the time is coming because over the past few weeks I have had some rather hurtful comments scoffing at my beliefs coming from people that I respect. These comments have been replaying in my head and I am in awe of how people who can be so tolerant of so many things have no tolerance for the things of God.
And now more than 20 years later I feel like that insecure freshman...inadequate in terms of answering an intellectual challenge on the realness of God. Yet this time around I am confident. I am confident that God is real to me. He always has been and He always will be. I know will never lose the love of my Savior and that is enough for me.