I am going through a rough patch right now. I know there 10 million people who have it worse than I do, but right now I am irritated, I am a little defeated and I am saddened. And it has nothing to do with my little princess...
You see in my past life...one I don't like to remember or dwell on too often, I was a girl, teen and yes, young woman who had almost no confidence in myself. I wallowed in my own self-pity, self-loathing and self-centeredness. I was dramatic. I was pathetic. I surrounded myself with enablers and looking back I make myself sick.
About a 15 years ago - my shaky foundation was kicked out from under me and that forced me to re-evaluate my life. It was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me. At that moment I recognized I could either continue to wallow and recreate my "all-fluff-and-no-substance" existence or I could finally begin living. I chose the latter and some miraculous things happened. One of which was I discovered the real ME and I figured out early on...I LOVED who I am!
While that and almost everything that has followed has been so very fulfilling, there is another result. I am very intolerant of insecure women. To the point where they are a pet peeve of mind. Not the little self-doubts that we all have that attack us here or there, or the little areas of "could I be better" that we sometimes entertain. Nope, those are normal and keep us all real. I am talking about the "woe-is-me" females that are constantly looking for reassurance, acceptance or accolades from men, their children, their friends or society as a whole. The ones because of lack in their own lives like to make comparisons, spread rumors and take jabs at others.
Recently I became the target of this unwanted attack. And on more than one occasion, I have been lied to, lied about and intentionally misled by someone who is living my former life. And while I know I should want to take her under my wing and let her know that celebrating who she is...is so much more fulfilling than walking around like a child who is afraid their playmate is trying to take their toys, I just haven't been able to. I am embarrassed to say that I honestly don't want to be around her and every time someone coddles her to her face and then explains to me behind her back that she just lacks confidence, I want to shout....SO WHAT?!?!
I hate that I have allowed myself to be hurt through this. I should know better. I should have seen this coming...but I didn't. However the real issue is that these feelings are becoming a stumbling block in my Christian walk. I want to see her the way Jesus sees her. But I guess I am struggling to do that. My old self wants to slam a door and run out of a room to see if anyone comes running after me like I did in the old days...but the confident woman I have become is fighting to the surface to overcome this. Maybe actually sharing the struggle that is taking place in my head and heart will be the first step to just walking away with my head held high knowing that I did what I was supposed to do and somehow escaped getting pulled back into the drama.
And I made a I am tired of being lied to, lied about and intentionally misled.
1 comment:
Hey Di...Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Continue to pray. The Lord has an answer and the answer might not be what you think it will be. You might be surprised. I Love you! I'm here not as an enabler, but as someone who will listen. Call anytime, I'm just a 7 minute walk away.
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