The other 5 percent

Recently as I have been stalking other adoption blogs I have seen comments from other writers that other adoption blogs make it seem like everything is so happy and shiny and perfect.
And while it is true that most of the time I share positive moments with my daughter...ours is a life that is far from perfect.
My daughter is a beautiful, charming and intelligent young lady. She loves me. She loves the rest of her family. And she really knows how to enjoy life...95 percent of the time.
The other 5 percent, she becomes a defiant, sullen child, who seems incapable of making good choices. She pouts. She glares. She ruins perfectly good days with really bad choices.
Take last week for instance. The first week of school was a struggle. Jacinda seemed incapable of following simple instructions, she fought me over homework, lied about several things and was in general a real smart alec.
Last week, she pushed me to the brink. I took special privileges away, made her rinse her mouth with Listerine for lying and sent her to bed early on more than one occasion...but nothing seemed to help. She pushed my buttons consistently and constantly for a week and at every turn I was pretty good about not letting her get to me and diffusing the situation.
But then there was Saturday. The day started off peaceful and pleasant. And then mere minutes before we were supposed to leave for a big family event, things went south. And sadly, Jacinda finally pushed the button that lit my fuse.
Things got ugly - fast! It felt like it lasted forever when in reality it was only about 10 minutes. But it was like a slap in the face. Another reminder that we aren't "there" yet. And if the truth be told..."there" isn't even our real destination.
Helpful friends try to tell me she's just a kid being a kid. And I get where they are coming from. I used to try to explain there is a difference, but after a year of explanations...I have realized they are never going to understand and they don't have to. They aren't a mother of an internationally adopted child.
I also get Jacinda is not like other kids...she never will be and she doesn't have to be. She has so much still locked inside her, that even a year later, she is not able to share. She still mourns and she still aches for the life she doesn't believe it is OK to miss.
And sometimes I am just a mom struggling to make the best decisions and to focus on all of the good that has happened since we met that day last May.
So the next time I post about how proud I am of my daughter and how in love I am with her and how I can't imagine my life without her, please don't think I paint too rosy of a picture. I am just a new mom learning every day that despite the bumps in our road, we have much to celebrate!