Roots and Wings

I have had a few questions about how we are adjusting, so I wanted to write a post on this subject. In the months before picking up Jacinda I had read a lot of families' stories and bought tons of books on adopting. The problem was, I just couldn't seem to get into them and then I would feel guilty. I would hear other adoptive parents talk about their reading list and feel completely inferior. I admitted these feelings to Aimee as well as my social worker and they both had the same advice...Don't worry too much about that. You can always research the specific issues you encounter once she gets home.
So I took their advice. Not to say that I didn't try to prepare for intense grieving, communication problems, food issues and my overwhelming fear that she would try to run away at every opportunity.
But I have to say that in the two weeks that I have been with Jacinda Bizunesh, I have been blown away at the resiliency and adaptation of this little girl.

Food Issues - NONE, not one not from the very beginning with the first serving of French Fries at a restaurant. She has only turned her nose up and given me the finger wag at one thing...hot dogs. And seriously who can blame her? I am pretty sure she thinks our friends' Jonathan and Leisa were trying to feed her a cooked dog at their Memorial Day picnic. LOL! With the recent nutritional news on how bad hot dogs are for you, I don't think I will correct her on this one.
From the beginning, I introduced the one-bite rule (AKA you have to try it) and I think that has made a ton of difference. Admittedly a lot of times her plate looks like a sampler platter, but it has been instrumental in expanding her palate.
Here's a list of some of the foods she has eaten (in the last week or so) in case any other pre-adoptive parents may find it helpful in easing their fears:
BBQ Pork Chops - Baked Beans - Green Beans - Triscuits with cheese - Sausage - Chicken (of course) - Roasted Potatoes - Pears - Tacos - Salsa - Tortilla Chips - Broccoli - Special K Cereal Bars - Peanuts - Ham & Cheese Sandwich - French Fries - Waffle - Cinnamon Raisin Bagels -
Spaghetti (of course) - Grapes - Oranges - Bananas - Applesauce - Granola Bars - Mashed Potatoes - Pizza (a given) - Corn

We went grocery shopping on Saturday and were able to identify several of the foods we had been working on in her vocabulary training program. She was very interested and picked out vegetable soup and several other things to try. This week we are also going to work on the introduction of additional vegetables. Admittedly our supply at the house has been low since I hadn't gone grocery shopping since we returned from Ethiopia.

Grieving - I am sure there are issues to come and there have been maybe three instances of the infamous Ethiopian Pout since we returned home. However each occurrence lasted less than five minutes so I don't have any complaints. It probably helps matters that I am the only other person in the house, so if she isn't communicating with me, she isn't talking with anyone. The other night she fell asleep too late for a nap (not that she takes one regularly) and when I woke her up...instead of her happy little self, she was ticked! She came in for dinner and it was just a scene. So I took her to her room and had a little talk with her. I really wanted to know how she was feeling because I would have laid money on the fact she was angry. However when I presented her with the photo options of anger, tired, sick or sad to choose from, she pointed to sad and broke down in tears. Sad I can handle and I swept her into my arms and held her while she cried and cried right along with her. This incident didn't last long either and soon we were playing with her hair and getting ready for bed.
I am not trying to sugar coat this at all and I am sure that grief will me a recurring emotion over the next months and years and I would be worried if it didn't. But I feel confident that we will face it together.

Communication Problems: Yesterday at church someone asked me if there was a concept that I have been unable to express due to the lack of the same language. The answer is no. Some research asserts that more the three-quarters of communication is non-verbal, so I chose to focus on that. The fact is Jacinda and I can very easily let each other know how we are feeling and what we want.
In addition, her English knowledge is beyond what I could have dreamed. She understands way more than she let on the first few days. Occasionally she pulls words out that are remarkable! I am totally in awe! It has been a great foundation to build on.

Running Away: I am happy to report that was a totally irrational fear. Of course with this spirited child, I am sure later in life she will pack her bags like we all do with the intent on leaving because she will be unhappy about a decision I have made. But it is my hope that she will always find that all roads lead her back home to me!

Well this is my 100th post and it seems only appropriate that it would be one of longest and most time consuming ones to write! And probably one of my hardest to write, not because of anything traumatic, just because there is so much to cover and I am having way too much fun getting to know and playing with my beautiful daughter!

This is a long one, with a capital L, so settle in with a good cup of coffee or just skim the headings that interest you...I promise I won't be offended!

THE TRIP
My Best Bud Aimee arrived at my apartment on May 15th, we spent some time packing last minute donations and weighing bags to ensure we were within the weight limits, which was a sight in itself! I wish I had taken photos of that. My other BFF Angie arrived with her daughter to take us to a hotel near Dulles. Yes, I realize I only live 40 minutes from the airport, but there is something strangely calming for me to spend a night relaxing in a hotel room. Had I not done that, I would have been rushing around like a crazy fiend until it was time to head to the airport. Aimee and I had a nice leisurely dinner and I mused about how strangely calm I felt. I slept like a rock. The next morning we got up and headed downstairs for breakfast. We stopped by the business center to check e-mail one last time. Our flight wasn't until 8:30 p.m., so we asked for a late checkout and weren't in much of a hurry. That all changed when we arrived back at our room. We had just stepped in when the fire alarm in the building started going off. We thought it was a drill, but decided to load up our stuff and head to the lobby just in case. When we arrived there the door man informed me that there was indeed a fire. He loaded our stuff on the hotel shuttle and we left for the airport seven hours before our flight, just beating the fire engines arriving at the hotel. What a way to begin a trip!

After all of the waiting, we had more time to contemplate the trip once we boarded the plane because a thunder and lightening storm moved in and we were delayed an hour and a half. Once in the air, I took a Tylenol PM and really slept the majority of the 14+ hour trip.

We got our Visas, scanned our luggage and made it through the crowd. Once we got past all of that, there was a hotel driver waiting for us. Despite letting the guest house know we would have four large suitcases, they sent just one car and had to call for reinforcements. Aimee and I were split up in separate cars, which was a little unnerving for me.

The guest house staff was amazing and so very nice upon our arrival. We made our way to our fourth floor suite and settled in for the night.

THE FIRST NIGHTMARE
All of the travel information I had for my trip came from other traveling families. For some reason I did not receive the customary contact number list from my agency or any pre-travel instructions. While this was a little un-nerving for me, I had Aimee and her in-country friends to rely on, so I felt pretty secure. Looking back on it, I should have been scared to death, but somehow I knew that everything would work out. I am a worst case scenario girl and so is Aimee, so we had made alternative arrangements for a driver, etc. just in case something fell through the cracks and thank goodness we did! Although my other travel buddies were great to make sure I knew when our embassy appointments were and helped me make it to the agency's office to complete paperwork.

Our first morning I was able to make contact with an in-country rep who asked that I meet her at 9 a.m. We got the cell phone for another driver who knew where the office was and were able to get our driver there. When we arrived, we thought we were where my daughter was so we sent our driver away and asked him to come back three and a half hours later. We walked into the office.

My agency's in country rep was busy with another family, so another gentleman worked with me. He seemed confused with the paperwork at first, but together we were able to make it work. My head started spinning when I saw the official birth certificate and passport and saw that my daughter's name was listed as Bizuye and not Bizunesh as everything I had received from my agency had said. It seems there was a mistake on JUST the paperwork I had received. (Although if you ask her what her name is, she will tell you Bizunesh and was referred to as Bizunesh by all of the kids and caretakers, so I am not sure where the confusion came in).

The gentleman explained that Bizuye is a nickname of Bizunesh, which I already knew and kept telling me "It's no problem." That in itself was upsetting, but then I noticed that not only did she have a different first name, but her new last name, MY NAME, was also mis-spelled. That did me in and I started to cry because I was in complete disbelief that BOTH of her names were WRONG. At this point the in country rep came in and when she flipped through the file and saw how my name was spelled repeatedly correctly in all of my paperwork. She said she was sorry and they said they would get it fixed. I was so very upset. Aimee gently let me know that no matter what they said about "getting it fixed" that it really wasn't an option. She said the adoption decree, passport and birth certificate would all be incorrect for the time being and that it would be up to me to get it all corrected during the readoption back in the states. (I spent the next couple of days trying to get my daughter's plane ticket changed to reflect her paperwork. I had to cancel her original ticket and purchase a new one in her incorrect name. It was a HUGE pain that was well worth it to ensure my travel was less of a hassle than the adoption paperwork).

We then discovered we were not in the correct location and we trying to work out how to get our driver back to go the location. My agency people offered their driver, however they tried to send me back to the guest house and then I told them that I wanted to go to my daughter. "To see her?" they asked. And I said "To pick her up." It was then that the gentleman told me "No, not today."

And that was when the gloves came off, especially since every other family already had their children in custody. There was no reason in the world why we shouldn't be permitted to take custody as we had followed all of the agency's edicts and that it is a normal practice for families to take custody the first full day they are in country. We expressed that we weren't asking and went on our way.

THE DREAM COME TRUE
Honestly when we walked into the transition center where my daughter was, my head was swimming and there was seemed to be a sea of children. Aimee whispered, "Oh there she is!" And for a moment, I couldn't find her and then I saw my little girl with her head down and clinging to the hands of one of her friends. She was scared and not that happy to see me, I could tell. All of the kids started whispering excitedly "Bizunesh America." She was still not convinced.

Her teacher, Miss Addis whispered something to her and my daughter wiped a few tears from her eyes and turned to face me. I wanted to take her into my arms and tell her that it was all going to be OK, but instead I just kind of smiled and touched her shoulder. She was holding a little purse I had sent her back in November with a pair of sunglasses, the photo album I had made for her and a fuzzy photo frame with our pictures in it that Dedra personally delivered in December. She handed it to me to let me look inside after we were done with that, she put it inside my large bag. It was truly dream-like for me.

In February right before our first court date I had gone to a bead workshop with a good friend of mine. While I was there I created a matching necklace and bracelet set for Bizunesh and myself. My plan was to place it around her neck when I picked her up and while nothing else about that day went as planned...that part did. And almost every morning she asks to wear it, which I think is wonderfully precious!

OK back to the story...We spent a few hours at the care center, taking photos of the other children, loving on them, passing out some plastic trinkets and Neosporin. The kids all wrote her goodbye letters, they had a coffee ceremony for us and she ate lunch with her friends for the last time. We then headed out. I still get choked up when I think about how brave this little pipsqueak was as we drove away from what had been home to her.

She quickly fell in love with all of her clothes, her toys and just enjoyed being the center of attention. She ooohed and ahhed over her hair accessories and we started the process of becoming a family.

I am so happy that the caretakers there taught her to call me Mommy from the beginning. I will never be able to put into words how sweet it sounds coming from her lips.

THE NIGHTMARE CONTINUES
Our embassy appointments are on Wednesdays, so we all knew to be there at 1:30 p.m. Our driver dropped Bizunesh and me off about a block away from the embassy, which was a little un-nerving to walk unescorted across the street and head into the US embassy with armed guards all around.

There wasn't anyone from my agency there to direct us, so I tried to remember what Aimee said to do. I had my passport out, went through the first security checkpoint and walked into the gates. There was a set of five long benches under a little canopy. There was about 100 people waiting there, so I took my place on the benches and prepared for a wait. A uniformed guard asked me who I was there to see and I tried to explain what I was doing there and gave the name of my agency contact while trying to remain calm and not get upset. I have traveled internationally before, but the idea of being completely alone, not speaking the language and not knowing what I was supposed to do was very upsetting. This man was very comforting and took me to the front of another line. I apologized profusely to the Ethiopian lady that he placed me in line in front of...the next guy just asked to see my passport and sent me through a door. I walked down a hallway about 50 feet and saw another set of benches and sat down. However another guard quickly pointed me in the right direction. Considering I was sitting outside of the bathrooms at this point, I am eternally grateful. (I know, a crazy American!)

Finally I reached my destination and saw a few familiar and friendly faces of other families with our agency. SHEW! I had been told the embassy appointment was pretty straight forward...you answer a few questions and you are on your way. Quick and painless, right?

WRONG AGAIN!!!

The gentleman from my agency came up to me while we were waiting and told me that I may be asked a few questions by the embassy worker. He told me to say that I didn't know anything about my daughter's birth parents, which was the truth. He said to say she was abandoned. I nodded and was all ready to get this final step over with. About an hour later, the Devart family was called. I approached the window with the agency representative at my side.

The first question from the young blonde American man was just as I had expected. "Is this the girl you were expecting?" I smiled down at Bizunesh and said "Yes"

One question down and two to go...looking good.

Second question. "What do you know about her birth family?" "Nothing," I answered. "You'll have to do better than that," he said with a smile. "I know she was abandoned and that's it." I stated thinking the second question had been marked off.

The blonde gentleman then asked..."How long has she been at the orphanage?" It was a curve ball and I didn't know. I said that. He looked at my agency representative and asked the same question. To which the agency representative replied "She was abandoned." The embassy worker smirked and seemed to smell blood in the water. "Ask her," he said pointing to my daughter. Again the agency rep said "she was abandoned and doesn't remember." The embassy worker would not be deterred. "I said, ask her." So the agency worker translated the question to my daughter who answered and he then said. "She was at a different orphanage for three years, before coming to us." I was flabbergasted. Three years????

Then while my head was spinning trying to marry what I had just heard from my daughter's own lips with the little I had been told from my agency, the embassy worker asked "What happened to her parents?" My agency rep again tried the line "She was abandoned." And the embassy guy again said..."I understand that, but I want you to ask her."

It was then that my daughter in her sweet, soft voice explained in Amharic that she did not know her father and that her mother was alive in Addis but could not care for her, so she gave her up.

He asked other questions of my agency rep, but I am ashamed to admit, I don't remember any of them because my head started spinning for real and all I could think was that I was going to lose this precious little girl. I didn't realize that the worse thing that could have happened was not getting a visa since the Ethiopian courts had declared her mine.

It was then that the embassy worker demanded to see the other in country rep from my agency and pointedly told them that this wasn't the first time that their court documents did not match the true story. As the agency rep left to go get reinforcements, the embassy worker told me not to worry that I would leave Ethiopia with my daughter, but that he was trying to get to the bottom of what was obvious inconsistencies in the story. With both agency reps at the window, the embassy worker explained that they needed to get their stories straight and after what seemed like years and amounted in reality to 10-15 minutes. We were approved. I shakingly made my way down the steps holding tight to my daughter's hand. It was official, we would be leaving Ethiopia in a few days. SHEW!

WONDERFUL MOMENTS
So much of my trip was amazing. The people of Ethiopia are by far the most generous and beautiful people I have encountered. Every where I went people were so friendly and wanted to share all they had with us. I visited the Miskaye orphanage while there and the workers there invited Aimee and I back for dinner. The children at the orphanage played, sang and danced. The caretakers cooked an amazing meal and we shared food and fellowship. It was truly my favorite night in Ethiopia. I will forever be humbled and changed by the beautiful people we met there. I will have to write more about that experience later.

I loved seeing my daughter laugh and play in the guest house garden with some of the other kids from her care center.
There are just so many little moments that are etched in my mind from Ethiopia that I do believe I am forever changed and eternally grateful!