Looking Back

One year ago today I received news that Jacinda and I had not passed court. It was a crushing blow to what had already been at that point a tumultuous journey. I admit it I was broken one year ago today.
Yesterday I took some time to read back over those posts and the comments and I was immediately taken back to that time. I still remember people telling me that when I brought her home all of those feelings would be a distant memory. And I honestly have to say...they were wrong.
I am no longer bitter about being misled on so many occasions by my agency, but I can honestly say I am a more empathetic person because of it. As it was/is with every step in this adoption process, it changed me.
So I wanted to take some time to document some of the changes...those I expected and those that came as s surprise to me. Becoming a mother forever altered the fabric of my life. It was the experience I had waited for, dreamt about and yet couldn't imagine actually ever experiencing.
I can honestly say motherhood has brought me the sweetest moments of my life. I can honestly say that loving this child was/is easy for me. And I can honestly say that as a whole it has been easier than I expected it to be.
Jacinda immediately became my focus. She is my first consideration in every decision. I thought that would be a process but aside from the first morning we were together and I woke up and forgot I had a kid...there haven't been any moments since then and to be honest that one was really funny!
Have there been sacrifices? Oh yes, two of which I never dreamed I would make. I mean I totally uprooted us and moved from the DC metro area to a small, rural WV town three hours away, so Jacinda could feel connected and know what it is like to be part of a family. I don't regret that decision for a moment...it was best for us and had made both of our lives so much richer. I honestly had forgotten how wonderful it is to have aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings and etc. as part of your everyday life. I spent 14 years away from family and I will be forever grateful for being able to come home again.
Another sacrifice was like a rude slap in the face that I still don't understand. My journey to motherhood brought out mother-bear tendencies in me that I never knew I had. Unfortunately I lost a dear friend because I was protecting Jacinda from an unfair social situation. I can only guess my dear friend wasn't really able to understand the instant bond I felt with my child because of her reaction. And while I miss her desperately I would do it again to make sure my daughter felt loved and protected by her mother.
Motherhood has given me an empowerment that I have never known. I have often been a people pleaser and while I admit it is nice for people to support my decisions and even be impressed with my parenting skills...if they disagree it doesn't change my focus. Not everyone agrees with my discipline techniques...not everyone thinks my good choice/bad choice discussions are effective tools, but they work for me and they work for Jacinda, so I deem them successful.
We have been a family for nine months now, which is so hard for me to believe. When Jacinda first came home the Ethiopian pout was a frequent visitor. She would be mad for hours sometimes a day and now, we are down to minutes. And I am proud of that fact.
Do I fail and need a timeout for myself sometimes? Does she fail and need to know there are consequences for her actions? Yep, but those times are further and further apart.
I have been a self-proclaimed workaholic for many years. I set out in my career with something to prove. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be respected. I wanted to be a career woman. And I was for many years. But the long-nights of thinking about work and issues that need to be resolved no longer dominates my life. In fact, usually all of that is gone as soon as I open my front door and see my beautiful girl barrelling toward me yelling MOMMY!!!
So one year after news that broke my heart...I am happy to report we are together, loving life, loving each other and continuing on this amazing journey!