Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Adjusting and Honesty
In the one month that Jacinda has been home, I would honestly say that 97 percent of the time things are picture perfect. However, this post is going to focus on the other 3 percent...
Throughout my adoption journey I had heard other parents talking about the famous Ethiopian pout, so the first time the pout came to visit, I immediately recognized the signs. You really must experience this to get the full picture of it, but I will try my best to describe it.
Jacinda's pout goes something like this. First her always present beautiful smile disappears as she purses her lips together. Then her beautiful brown eyes halt their dancing and become empty pools of darkness as she stares right above my head or directly through me as I speak to her. Next her thin, but strong little arms that are usually hugging me or tickling me, become paralyzed and find a frozen spot crossed in front of her chest. She stands defiantly, ignoring me and everything around us.
Now honestly in the six weeks that I have been with her, we have only had four or five instances of this, so I count myself blessed as I know families who have much more frequent visits from the Ethiopian pout. But during one of my bouts with the pout, that is little consolation to me.
A few times school work has been the culprit. Usually she works on her vocabulary words and does book work with zeal and no complaining, but a time or two, she obviously doesn't "feel" like doing it and prefers to goof off or haphazardly write nonsense answers and when I call her on it, she instantly shuts down. The other day her regular tutor was out of town, so I had a substitute come in to help. Honestly I thought it would be fun for Jacinda because it is a young teen girl that she absolutely ADORES. However, Jacinda immediately thought it was going to be a play day and when that didn't work out for her. She shut down and the pout came to visit for a couple of hours.
Another time, I won the worst mother of the year award for trying to slip a sliver of egg into a breakfast sandwich. She looked at me with detest and snarled "Egg." In my defense my darling daughter ate eggs while we were together in Ethiopia. She had turned her nose up to them a few times since we had been home, but I honestly thought combining them in the folds of a sandwich would be a good way to get her to try them again. Boy was I wrong! I advised her to follow the same rule with the sandwich as we have with everything else...take two bites and if you don't like it, no problem. Well evidently that was a problem for her. What ensued was a battle of the wills...she took a bite of egg, but then held it in her mouth like a 2-year-old. She seemed shocked that I knew what she was doing and swallowed the egg, only after I told her to open her mouth. She did take two bites and I was true to my word and removed the offensive egg from the sandwich. When I asked her if she just didn't like eggs, instead of answering me...the pout took over and she pretended I didn't exist for the next few hours. She even found a way to button the back of her church dress and tie her bow without me. It was a lovely Sunday morning.
While we talk about the pouting afterward and I pull out an Amharic chart of feelings to get her to tell me what is going on inside of her head (just in case the culprit is frustration at not being able to express herself. She will NEVER say she is angry, even though I know she must be.
As I try to get Jacinda to work through her feelings and understand that part of life is sometimes doing things that we don't really feel like doing, I have also discovered that I too suffer from frustration. As I said months ago, this would be a process and now I am learning that I am not merely a guide or spectator to her transition, because we truly are on this journey TOGETHER!
Throughout my adoption journey I had heard other parents talking about the famous Ethiopian pout, so the first time the pout came to visit, I immediately recognized the signs. You really must experience this to get the full picture of it, but I will try my best to describe it.
Jacinda's pout goes something like this. First her always present beautiful smile disappears as she purses her lips together. Then her beautiful brown eyes halt their dancing and become empty pools of darkness as she stares right above my head or directly through me as I speak to her. Next her thin, but strong little arms that are usually hugging me or tickling me, become paralyzed and find a frozen spot crossed in front of her chest. She stands defiantly, ignoring me and everything around us.
Now honestly in the six weeks that I have been with her, we have only had four or five instances of this, so I count myself blessed as I know families who have much more frequent visits from the Ethiopian pout. But during one of my bouts with the pout, that is little consolation to me.
A few times school work has been the culprit. Usually she works on her vocabulary words and does book work with zeal and no complaining, but a time or two, she obviously doesn't "feel" like doing it and prefers to goof off or haphazardly write nonsense answers and when I call her on it, she instantly shuts down. The other day her regular tutor was out of town, so I had a substitute come in to help. Honestly I thought it would be fun for Jacinda because it is a young teen girl that she absolutely ADORES. However, Jacinda immediately thought it was going to be a play day and when that didn't work out for her. She shut down and the pout came to visit for a couple of hours.
Another time, I won the worst mother of the year award for trying to slip a sliver of egg into a breakfast sandwich. She looked at me with detest and snarled "Egg." In my defense my darling daughter ate eggs while we were together in Ethiopia. She had turned her nose up to them a few times since we had been home, but I honestly thought combining them in the folds of a sandwich would be a good way to get her to try them again. Boy was I wrong! I advised her to follow the same rule with the sandwich as we have with everything else...take two bites and if you don't like it, no problem. Well evidently that was a problem for her. What ensued was a battle of the wills...she took a bite of egg, but then held it in her mouth like a 2-year-old. She seemed shocked that I knew what she was doing and swallowed the egg, only after I told her to open her mouth. She did take two bites and I was true to my word and removed the offensive egg from the sandwich. When I asked her if she just didn't like eggs, instead of answering me...the pout took over and she pretended I didn't exist for the next few hours. She even found a way to button the back of her church dress and tie her bow without me. It was a lovely Sunday morning.
While we talk about the pouting afterward and I pull out an Amharic chart of feelings to get her to tell me what is going on inside of her head (just in case the culprit is frustration at not being able to express herself. She will NEVER say she is angry, even though I know she must be.
As I try to get Jacinda to work through her feelings and understand that part of life is sometimes doing things that we don't really feel like doing, I have also discovered that I too suffer from frustration. As I said months ago, this would be a process and now I am learning that I am not merely a guide or spectator to her transition, because we truly are on this journey TOGETHER!
Friday, June 19, 2009
One Month Ago Today...
One month ago today I met the little girl who changed my world forever! In some respects the month has flown by and it seems like yesterday and on the other hand I can not really remember my life without her. Jacinda Hope Bizunesh is the light of my life! She has a killer sense of humor! We laugh, giggle, play and dance most of the time. She isn't perfect. I am not perfect. But we are perfect for each other. Here are some month one tidbits I wanted to capture about this little girl who has captured my heart! Jacinda loves color coordination, almost as much as I do. In fact the other day, she came prancing into my bedroom with an orange t-shirt in one hand and her other hand firmly on her hip, proclaiming..."Mommy, no orange underwear!" I had to break it to her that it was OK for her undies not to match her shirt, since no one would be seeing them. She looked at me in disbelief and finally settled on a pair to wear. My girl is borderline addicted to High School Musical 3. I have no one to blame but myself on this one. But it is hysterical to hear her singing "The Boys are Back" in her bedroom. She has also started singing "Getcha, Getcha, Getcha, Getcha Head in the Game." This child is so very loving. She constantly amazes me with her affection. In fact one of our repeated conversations goes something like this: Jacinda: "I love you." Me: "No, I love you." Jacinda: "YES, I love you!" And then we dissolve into laughter!
And her sense of humor is in a word...HYSTERICAL! She loves to pretend to be me, sleeping, talking on the phone, etc. etc. She likes to tease, pretend she doesn't understand English when it suits her and sings almost constantly (right now she is singing an original song she composed about clean underwear!
We also dance like there's no tomorrow. Of course sometimes my goofy moods leave her in a pile of giggles on the living room floor, but secretly I know she is looking forward to the Saturday High School Musical Sing and Dance Along on Saturday! (And on a personal note, motherhood has been great for my waistline...I am down almost 15 pounds since my journey to Ethiopia!)
Here are a few snapshots showing the silly life that we live!
And her sense of humor is in a word...HYSTERICAL! She loves to pretend to be me, sleeping, talking on the phone, etc. etc. She likes to tease, pretend she doesn't understand English when it suits her and sings almost constantly (right now she is singing an original song she composed about clean underwear!
We also dance like there's no tomorrow. Of course sometimes my goofy moods leave her in a pile of giggles on the living room floor, but secretly I know she is looking forward to the Saturday High School Musical Sing and Dance Along on Saturday! (And on a personal note, motherhood has been great for my waistline...I am down almost 15 pounds since my journey to Ethiopia!)
Here are a few snapshots showing the silly life that we live!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Adjusting
I have had a few questions about how we are adjusting, so I wanted to write a post on this subject. In the months before picking up Jacinda I had read a lot of families' stories and bought tons of books on adopting. The problem was, I just couldn't seem to get into them and then I would feel guilty. I would hear other adoptive parents talk about their reading list and feel completely inferior. I admitted these feelings to Aimee as well as my social worker and they both had the same advice...Don't worry too much about that. You can always research the specific issues you encounter once she gets home.
So I took their advice. Not to say that I didn't try to prepare for intense grieving, communication problems, food issues and my overwhelming fear that she would try to run away at every opportunity.
But I have to say that in the two weeks that I have been with Jacinda Bizunesh, I have been blown away at the resiliency and adaptation of this little girl.
Food Issues - NONE, not one not from the very beginning with the first serving of French Fries at a restaurant. She has only turned her nose up and given me the finger wag at one thing...hot dogs. And seriously who can blame her? I am pretty sure she thinks our friends' Jonathan and Leisa were trying to feed her a cooked dog at their Memorial Day picnic. LOL! With the recent nutritional news on how bad hot dogs are for you, I don't think I will correct her on this one.
From the beginning, I introduced the one-bite rule (AKA you have to try it) and I think that has made a ton of difference. Admittedly a lot of times her plate looks like a sampler platter, but it has been instrumental in expanding her palate.
Here's a list of some of the foods she has eaten (in the last week or so) in case any other pre-adoptive parents may find it helpful in easing their fears:
BBQ Pork Chops - Baked Beans - Green Beans - Triscuits with cheese - Sausage - Chicken (of course) - Roasted Potatoes - Pears - Tacos - Salsa - Tortilla Chips - Broccoli - Special K Cereal Bars - Peanuts - Ham & Cheese Sandwich - French Fries - Waffle - Cinnamon Raisin Bagels -
Spaghetti (of course) - Grapes - Oranges - Bananas - Applesauce - Granola Bars - Mashed Potatoes - Pizza (a given) - Corn
We went grocery shopping on Saturday and were able to identify several of the foods we had been working on in her vocabulary training program. She was very interested and picked out vegetable soup and several other things to try. This week we are also going to work on the introduction of additional vegetables. Admittedly our supply at the house has been low since I hadn't gone grocery shopping since we returned from Ethiopia.
Grieving - I am sure there are issues to come and there have been maybe three instances of the infamous Ethiopian Pout since we returned home. However each occurrence lasted less than five minutes so I don't have any complaints. It probably helps matters that I am the only other person in the house, so if she isn't communicating with me, she isn't talking with anyone. The other night she fell asleep too late for a nap (not that she takes one regularly) and when I woke her up...instead of her happy little self, she was ticked! She came in for dinner and it was just a scene. So I took her to her room and had a little talk with her. I really wanted to know how she was feeling because I would have laid money on the fact she was angry. However when I presented her with the photo options of anger, tired, sick or sad to choose from, she pointed to sad and broke down in tears. Sad I can handle and I swept her into my arms and held her while she cried and cried right along with her. This incident didn't last long either and soon we were playing with her hair and getting ready for bed.
I am not trying to sugar coat this at all and I am sure that grief will me a recurring emotion over the next months and years and I would be worried if it didn't. But I feel confident that we will face it together.
Communication Problems: Yesterday at church someone asked me if there was a concept that I have been unable to express due to the lack of the same language. The answer is no. Some research asserts that more the three-quarters of communication is non-verbal, so I chose to focus on that. The fact is Jacinda and I can very easily let each other know how we are feeling and what we want.
In addition, her English knowledge is beyond what I could have dreamed. She understands way more than she let on the first few days. Occasionally she pulls words out that are remarkable! I am totally in awe! It has been a great foundation to build on.
Running Away: I am happy to report that was a totally irrational fear. Of course with this spirited child, I am sure later in life she will pack her bags like we all do with the intent on leaving because she will be unhappy about a decision I have made. But it is my hope that she will always find that all roads lead her back home to me!
So I took their advice. Not to say that I didn't try to prepare for intense grieving, communication problems, food issues and my overwhelming fear that she would try to run away at every opportunity.
But I have to say that in the two weeks that I have been with Jacinda Bizunesh, I have been blown away at the resiliency and adaptation of this little girl.
Food Issues - NONE, not one not from the very beginning with the first serving of French Fries at a restaurant. She has only turned her nose up and given me the finger wag at one thing...hot dogs. And seriously who can blame her? I am pretty sure she thinks our friends' Jonathan and Leisa were trying to feed her a cooked dog at their Memorial Day picnic. LOL! With the recent nutritional news on how bad hot dogs are for you, I don't think I will correct her on this one.
From the beginning, I introduced the one-bite rule (AKA you have to try it) and I think that has made a ton of difference. Admittedly a lot of times her plate looks like a sampler platter, but it has been instrumental in expanding her palate.
Here's a list of some of the foods she has eaten (in the last week or so) in case any other pre-adoptive parents may find it helpful in easing their fears:
BBQ Pork Chops - Baked Beans - Green Beans - Triscuits with cheese - Sausage - Chicken (of course) - Roasted Potatoes - Pears - Tacos - Salsa - Tortilla Chips - Broccoli - Special K Cereal Bars - Peanuts - Ham & Cheese Sandwich - French Fries - Waffle - Cinnamon Raisin Bagels -
Spaghetti (of course) - Grapes - Oranges - Bananas - Applesauce - Granola Bars - Mashed Potatoes - Pizza (a given) - Corn
We went grocery shopping on Saturday and were able to identify several of the foods we had been working on in her vocabulary training program. She was very interested and picked out vegetable soup and several other things to try. This week we are also going to work on the introduction of additional vegetables. Admittedly our supply at the house has been low since I hadn't gone grocery shopping since we returned from Ethiopia.
Grieving - I am sure there are issues to come and there have been maybe three instances of the infamous Ethiopian Pout since we returned home. However each occurrence lasted less than five minutes so I don't have any complaints. It probably helps matters that I am the only other person in the house, so if she isn't communicating with me, she isn't talking with anyone. The other night she fell asleep too late for a nap (not that she takes one regularly) and when I woke her up...instead of her happy little self, she was ticked! She came in for dinner and it was just a scene. So I took her to her room and had a little talk with her. I really wanted to know how she was feeling because I would have laid money on the fact she was angry. However when I presented her with the photo options of anger, tired, sick or sad to choose from, she pointed to sad and broke down in tears. Sad I can handle and I swept her into my arms and held her while she cried and cried right along with her. This incident didn't last long either and soon we were playing with her hair and getting ready for bed.
I am not trying to sugar coat this at all and I am sure that grief will me a recurring emotion over the next months and years and I would be worried if it didn't. But I feel confident that we will face it together.
Communication Problems: Yesterday at church someone asked me if there was a concept that I have been unable to express due to the lack of the same language. The answer is no. Some research asserts that more the three-quarters of communication is non-verbal, so I chose to focus on that. The fact is Jacinda and I can very easily let each other know how we are feeling and what we want.
In addition, her English knowledge is beyond what I could have dreamed. She understands way more than she let on the first few days. Occasionally she pulls words out that are remarkable! I am totally in awe! It has been a great foundation to build on.
Running Away: I am happy to report that was a totally irrational fear. Of course with this spirited child, I am sure later in life she will pack her bags like we all do with the intent on leaving because she will be unhappy about a decision I have made. But it is my hope that she will always find that all roads lead her back home to me!
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