Today

WARNING: This is a little self-indulgent.

Today is not a good day.

After hearing words like not long and soon, I read last night on my agency's board that I won't be getting a referral any day now like originally thought. The coordinator posted last night that she would begin giving out referrals in about a month or so.

Today I am disappointed.

I sent her an e-mail to see if I interpreted her correctly and she answered by saying I did. She further explained that there are some new rules being discussed by Ethiopia next week and she wanted to wait for the outcome of this meeting to ensure that every waiting child is eligible for adoption under these new rules. She went on to say that she would hate to refer a child now only to find out that the child was even adoption ready. I totally get it and I believe in God's perfect timing but despite that knowledge I am behaving more like a bratty toddler than a mature Christian woman.

Today I am impatient.

There was a lot of discussion from those who have referrals and those who have adopted that waiting after receiving a referral is the hard part. I don't mean any disrespect to their advice, but I will have to wait and see. Because I think for me, this will be the hardest part. I know in the long run another month doesn't matter and that receiving a referral today or receiving a referral in September will probably pretty much equal the same travel time. Based on that a lot of the agency folds are saying it doesn't make a difference. But for a mommy-to-be who longs to see the sweet face of her little one, it matters to me.

Today it feels less real.

But I do have hope and good news since tomorrow is a new day and the Lord's mercies are new every morning.

Today will be over soon!

Wanted: Partner in Crime!

Come on referral... your cousin needs a playmate!!!!

Prayer Circle

Things move slow in Ethiopia and while I am waiting for a referral, several other families with my agency are having an even rougher time, waiting to pass court and bring their children home. Several of the families have been through things that are unimaginable and have persevered. However as their court cases have come through they have been continued or not heard and pushed to the next day. Missing paperwork, overloaded caseloads...you name it, they are experiencing it. So yesterday the group from my Agency held a prayer circle and prayed for these families, the paperwork issues and all those waiting. After the prayer, the Lord revealed something to a woman named Linsey and she is letting me share this with you as well. I think it gives great insight into what this journey really means.

Each one of us is on a journey. We all started for different reasons, some because of barren wombs, others simply desiring to love a child…yet all have been called by God. Called to walk a path that most would never consider. It is a path you must travel, where your heart is open and vulnerable. You must lay down all your weapons of defense before you are allowed to start your journey. You are required to expose all that you are; your short comings, your faults, and your mistakes all the while convincing someone that you are fit for the task. You are told ahead of time that the road is long and hard. There will be moments when the path is clear, the road is marked and your strength will be renewed. There will also be moment when you stand in a fog unable to decipher which way to turn and your mind will be clouded with doubt. In moments like these you need to remember your beginning. Remember that you were called by God. Look up, grasp hold of His fingers, close your eyes, and let the sound of His voice lead you out of the fog. Speak to Him, remind Him of the signs you've been given that declare your call to the journey. In remembering…your faith will rise up.

Simply Beautiful!

Perfect Prayer

So I received this e-mail this morning from a friend and I thought it would be a perfect blog entry for today as I continue to struggle with accepting God's perfect timing...

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day, I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.
Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And give the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that don't believe.But I thank you that I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

Tough Week

This has been a very tough week all around. Don't want to bellyache, but I wanted to get some things off of my chest.
Still no word on a referral, but I am hoping to hear something soon. I know when that happens it will send my spirits soaring.
This week was my church's VBS. I directed it and to say it has been a challenge would be one of the top 10 understatements of the year! First there was the trustee who told me in front of the adult Sunday School class that by the looks of the place I was bankrupting the church. (Which resulted in me excusing myself and heading to the church office where I could cry in peace.) Then on Tuesday night there was the parent who lost it with one of the leaders because she overheard the leader say her son is a handful. (As his children's minister, I can tell you he is.) But as I sat there and these two each told their side of the story, I prayed for wisdom as I listened. I thought they understood this was about reaching these kids and ministering to them and that we had worked out a good understanding and moved on, but the leader's husband is upset that I did not come to the defense of her more strongly and the mother didn't bring her kid back to VBS this week. The whole situation has broken my heart a little.
Work has been completely overwhelming. And then to beat all, the pastor's wife expressed her concern to everyone who would listen tonight that the church would not be cleaned up in time for Sunday services after our program, picnic and waterfight tomorrow. I know it didn't help matters that I covered the entire Youth room floor with confetti, but it really looked cool when we turned the black light on and told the story of Jesus walking on the water.
I am not the only one having it rough. Two of my dearest friends are having to face serious health issues for their parents and it breaks my heart for them.
So for the next little bit I will just keep praying, keep focused and keep on hoping for that referral!

Breaking news coming!

For those of you that know me well, you know that one of my little quirks is that I don't usually go to see a movie, read a book or watch a TV show that is full of suspense unless I know the ending. And before you ask, yes I know it is crazy and NO, knowing the ending does not ruin it for me. Truth be told knowing how it will end is the only reason I would start out on the endeavor.

So to that end, it is no surprise that I contacted the "Woman-in-the-know" at my agency to ask her a couple of questions. I felt horrible about doing it since she is freshly back from Ethiopia herself with her new son, but I just HAD to know!

And her qucik response has me very excited. I asked her where I was on the waiting list for a toddler girl and here is her response.

You are at the top of the list for little girl. We
actually have a few that would fit, but I will hold
off a little while, their medicals aren't in and I
want to make sure about their paper ready status. It
won't be long though!

So stay tuned! By the way, can someone tell me the exact definition of a LITTLE WHILE and NOT LONG? Doctionary.com doesn't seem to have those listed. LOL!

Be anxious for nothing

Philippians 4:6 is one of those verses that really gets to me or should I say really gets to my heart because I think it is a wonderful verse that speaks to how we should live our lives.
Anxious is defined as: full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried.
Doesn't sound like a great way to be, now does it? However recently I have found myself anxious about a lot of things...my job, my adoption, whether or not I should relocate to be closer to family and the Cosmic City VBS that I am directing at church next week. Sleep was not easy to come by and I was so emotional that even the bad commercials made me weep.
Unfortunately there were times when someone would ask me how I was doing and I would reply "barely hanging on."
Then during last night's sermon...something snapped. I was looking at my situations all wrong. The Lord has been trying to get my attention for a while now, but I was too busy being anxious to accept what He was offering. Last night the sermon included verses about living as we should...knowing that we are not be anxious and that God has provided perfect peace that passeth all understanding. And yet instead of walking in this path, I have been consumed with worry and mental distress. And the Lord made sure I didn't miss the point by having the pastor come up to ask me a couple of VBS questions. After our short conversation, he leaned back and said..."You have too much going on right now to be anxious about anything." And with that I knew the Lord had made sure I heard his voice loud and clear.
So today, I walked in peace. And throughout the day wonderful things began to happen...I was cool, calm and collected at work, I didn't fixate on getting a referral, I talked to a VP corporate and know that there is not room for me in WV at this time and won't be until around the time my lease is up next year and I finally got excited about VBS and the creative juices started flowing.
And now as the day is ending I am signing off for a peaceful night of rest.

If you buy it, she will come

Several times since March I have cautiously approached the subject of how long a wait for a referral would be and how difficult a match would be since I am requesting a 2-5 year old...each time a cautious answer was give...not long and not hard at all. However as the compulsive planner and scheduler, this part of the process has become exceedingly difficult over the last few days. Several folks, including my BFF Aimee had said they thought the referral would come this week and honestly...I did too. However, tomorrow is my last day of vacation and there is no referral for me.

The wait continues. The sad and scary thing is that I have spent tons of time stalking blogs and tracking others' progress to see when they received their referral, trying to come up with a timeline of when I could expect mine. My conclusion is this; you can't compare cases because when it is your heart longing to see your daughter's sweet face for the first time, every minute you have to wait is too long.

So until then I am searching the outlets here at the beach and scarfing up every bargain I can find. The only problem is since I have no idea what her size will be, I am buying everything from a 3T to a 5. I may need to get another closet. Call me crazy, but it makes me feel better!