That night...

This post has been one of the harder ones to write. I wanted to be able to write intelligibly about an incident that happened at Jacinda's school without the emotion, heartbreak and anger that I experienced that night when it happened a few weeks before Christmas.
That night while two little boys in our town slept soundly in their homes, my daughter cried herself to sleep. That night, I cried on the phone with two of my best friends who supported me like the pillars they are. That night, I shook my head in amazement as some people upon hearing the story said ignorant things like "I'm surprised she hadn't heard it before this," "What did you expect going back to a rural community with little diversity" and other comments I have blocked out. That night I sought wisdom as I tried to control my anger.
It was a Tuesday night and I arrived at the dance studio to pick Jacinda up. In the hustle and bustle it was hard to discern that something was awry, but walking to the car I immediately knew something was amiss. I asked her if she got in trouble in school, a very rare occurrence, but one that I knew would cause her quiet demeanor. She offered a denial, took a deep breath and proceeded to tell me that during art class that morning two boys, also fourth graders, called her the "N" word.
My heart sank. It was the first time Jacinda had ever heard that word. But I could tell from the way she uttered the word, somehow that word had gone past her ears and reached to her soul. I was immediately angry, sick and sad. I tried to remain calm to hear the story.
As she told the story, one little boy told another little boy that Jacinda was the "N" word and then told the boy to call her that name. The second little boy complied. Jacinda's best friend was with her and immediately said that it was an ugly word. I guess the boys asked her if she knew what it meant and when she said she didn't they informed her that it meant she was black and a slave.
Slavery isn't a concept she completely understands, so she asked for an explanation and then one of the little boys informed her that it meant she wouldn't get paid money when she worked and that people would "own" her.
That night instead of decorating our Christmas tree like we had planned, my daughter was looking up the "N" word on dictionary.com. When she first entered the word dictionary.com immediately tried to correct her and asked her if she meant "bigger."
The definition of this word comes with its own usage note that says in part:
This word "is now probably the most offensive word in English. Its degree of offensiveness has increased markedly in recent years, although it has been used in a derogatory manner since at least the Revolutionary War. Definitions 1a, 1b, and 2 represent meanings that are deeply disparaging and are used when the speaker deliberately wishes to cause great offense. Definition 1a, however, is sometimes used among African-Americans in a neutral or familiar way. Other uses are considered contemptuous and hostile."
It's definition states it's "a black person" or "a member of any dark-skinned people." When Jacinda read that she looked at me with her dark eyes clearly displaying a moment of heartbreak. "So it's true," she said. "I am one."
That night I explained to her that derogatory meant that someone wanted to hurt someone else's feelings and that after that night, the N word was not going to be something we used, but that it was a word that had no power over her. I tearfully explained that I could not promise that no one would ever call her that name again, but I could promise her that when they did, they would be the one who was at fault...not her. I told her that throughout our lives people call us all kinds of names and while this was more serious the result was the same.
I told her..."Jacinda, I could call you a chair. Does that make you a chair?" There was immediately a glimmer of spark in her eye. "No," she said quietly. "Jacinda, I could call you a book. Does that make you a book?"
She tilted her head and smiled. "OK, mom I get it."
That night my hands shook as I dialed the number of her teacher, who is a dear family friend, and expressed my outrage that I hadn't been informed of the incident while Jacinda had talked to several school officials as well as the school counselor who was "trying to get to the bottom of it, but one of the little boys had left school early that day." This teacher was devastated as well and clearly had followed school policy...however, that's where another failure occurred.
The next morning I called and asked to speak to the principal. I was told she was out of the school for the day at a meeting. I asked to speak to the assistant principal. "Can I ask what the nature of your business is with her?" I was asked. "My daughter was called a racial slur yesterday in your school building and I would like to talk to someone," I stated calmly. "Hold on sweetie." was the reply.
The assistant principal was on the phone within moments. She told me she was aware of the incident and would be talking to the boys that day. She assured me that policy would be followed and I asked her to call me with a follow up. She said she would. I came home from work early that day. I asked Jacinda if anyone had talked to her or the boys involved and she said, no.
At that point my patience ran out and my parental anger took over. I called the school and as "fate" would have it, the assistant principal answered the phone. I questioned her about the status of the "investigation" (their word, not mine). She informed me that she had been "really busy" that day and wasn't able to take any action. I then pointedly asked if she had at least contacted the county's human rights officer in accordance to county policy because that was supposed to be done within 24 hours and we were now past that deadline. She stammered and stated that she wasn't familiar with that policy.
(Side note for county officials: This is where hiring an administrator that is experienced to know that when a parent calls at 8:45 in the morning and talks to you about a racial incident that one of the first steps you should do is pull the policy to ensure it is being followed really pays off. Because that was not the impression I was given and my opinion of this particular school official will forever be that she is too inexperienced to hold the role she has been given. There is a reason why the county/state/schools have policies in place and those charged with enforcing them should be aware of them or at least become familiar with them. As parents, we are expected to be aware and follow the policies on school visitation, attendance, student pick-up, drop-off, homework, etc. Well as a parent, I expect...no I require my own school administrators to KNOW important policies concerning harassment, bullying, etc. and FOLLOW them. It's only fair and part of what they are paid to do. And explaining to a parent that you didn't have 15 minutes in the 7 hours that had passed since your initial conversation because you were too busy handling "more pressing matters," is probably not going to sit well. I know it didn't with me.)
She then abruptly ended the call by telling me she would have the principal, who was unavailable that entire day, call me the next day. Please do, I told her because my next call is to the county or the state. (I hate saying this...I absolutely hate feeling that unless I threaten to elevate my concerns to a higher level that I am not taken seriously.)
It wasn't even 10 minutes before my phone rang with the principal on the other end.
She too started with an explanation that school meetings, other behavior problems, weather conditions, etc. had taken precedence over "the name-calling incident."
The gloves came off and I interrupted.
"I need to stop you right there. What we are talking about is more than a name-calling incident. It is considered and defined by your own policies as racial harassment, so let's call it what it is because when you refer to it as a name-calling incident, you continue to down-play and minimize the importance of this incident and that is unacceptable."
That did it. Finally, we opened a dialogue about the occurrence, the school's lack of experience in handling it and the path forward.
I explained I wasn't asking that the boys be suspended or even disciplined but I asked that the school use this incident as a way to educate the children. I asked that they begin by admitting a racial incident had occurred within the walls of one of the best fourth grade classrooms anyone could ask for. I asked that they take steps to protect MY fourth grader and I demanded that I be alerted immediately if another incident like this ever occurred and I informed them that should another incident ever occurred that I want to the policies followed from the moment of occurrence.
I am not sure what all happened after our conversation, but I know both little boys on their own came and apologized to Jacinda and that made her feel better. I know that there was one little boy who didn't make eye contact with me during the classroom party, who later told some of his classmates (Jacinda included) that "all girls were b*tc*es."
Yet there was the other little boy who brought Jacinda present the last day of a school before break, a cute "diamond" necklace. The same little boy who at the classroom party was very attentive to my daughter as was his mother.
So without being too naive...can I have the hope that somehow through all of this, one little boy's mind was opened even a little? And as for the other little boy, without being too judgmental it is clear to me the messages he is receiving somewhere...home, television, movies...is one that I am hoping someone, somewhere changes. And should another incident occur, I will not hesitate to play a role in that lesson. Because I am not a mother who will ever go away quietly or be afraid to require policies to be followed.